I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
