She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
