apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
