we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
