you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Randomize