i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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