If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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