Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
