I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I need a beard to bite.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
