my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
