Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
