I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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