I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
