if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Text me some of your sweat
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize