i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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