I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Who died my cat blue again?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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