dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
