I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
