She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
