I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
