I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
