He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
