Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
