I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
