she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
