if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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