my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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