toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
