I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
