Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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