there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
