It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
last night I used snow as a chaser
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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