My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
