Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
