No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
