Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
