i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
