What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
