Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
