so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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