after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
