You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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