Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
