Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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