Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm really into asian looking animals
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
