I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
