when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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