Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
