I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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