Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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