Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
