so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
