phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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