At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
