Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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