she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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