If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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