a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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