dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
