If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Come share oat with me in your robe
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
