Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
