And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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