So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
please don't ironically join a cult
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