I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
