We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I wear drunk well.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
